Have you ever dated someone who triggered your insecurities and made you feel like you weren’t good enough? Me too.
And if we’re really being honest…haven’t we all? Maybe you’re even dating them now…you’re not alone.
These insecurities cause struggles in your relationships. This is because you choose not to ask for what you want want out of fear of being rejected or seeming needy.
How Do Insecurities Affect Your Relationships?
I used to feel so insecure in my relationships, but I would bury it down (DEEP) because “insecurities ruin relationships.” So no one could know I was feeling insecure, even the people I loved and trusted.
So instead of talking to them about my insecurities, I acted in manipulative ways to get my needs met. This is something called “Protest Behavior” (essentially using manipulative ways to get attention and connection.) Sound familiar?
Protest behavior is unhealthy and leads to further dysfunction in the relationship. Over time it becomes a pattern and eventually develops into a habit.
The biggest issue within most relationships is in the communication and how both partners choose to get their needs met.
How Do I Talk About My Insecurities?
What you get from assertive, vulnerable communication is incredible. You’ll learn more in 5 minutes than you would learn in 5 months without it. Plus it will either bring your relationship closer or it will help you avoid relationships that will waste your time. Vulnerable communication leaves space for your insecurities.
In order for you to have happy and fulfilling relationships you need to learn how to assert your needs. And it’s important that you do it without resorting to attacks or defensiveness.
Dealing with your insecurities is uncomfortable but it’s necessary
How Can I Assert My Needs?
The key to effective communication is for you to be inoffensive. Especially when dealing with your insecurities. Instead of putting your partner in the blame game, it encourages them to be open with you without feeling attacked or wrong.
Focus on “I” statements, not “you” statements. Ex;
- Replace; “I feel so loved when you hug me tight and give me a kiss.” With; “You never show me you love me.”
- Replace; “I love it when you compliment me on how I look”
With; “You don’t seem like your attracted to me”
Instead of your partner feeling attacked and defensive which only shuts them down and triggers their own insecurities. When you ask from a position of vulnerability (that there’s something your partner can do that will make you feel so happy/loved/significant/cared for etc.) they want to make it happen for you.
Remember, your partner loves you and they want to make you happy…you just need to tell them how.
You can have the relationship of your dreams, it starts with you.
If you’re struggling to work through your insecurities, I’d love to support you on your journey! Let’s chat here!