When you develop real confidence in yourself, you actually rarely feel insecure. This is because you know your own worth, you accept your flaws, and you don’t seek validation from an outside source.

On the other hand…if you have a lack in your sense of self value you will most likely feel insecure in every single relationship you enter. That’s because you’re constantly acting from a place of fear, and that fear is losing the relationship or abandonment.

How Can You Tell?

This fear might look like you or your partner bringing up the relationship “talk” to try and get the relationship defined. It may also show up as one of you constantly talking about your disappointment with how slowly the relationship is moving or evolving.

When you’re constantly speaking about your disappointments or pushing for a definition (from your perspective) you’re actually seeking validation. You want to know that you are significant so you can feel secure and relax within the relationship. But you’re going about it in a manipulative and sneaky way.

Why External Reassurance Doesn’t Work

As an insecure person, it doesn’t matter how much your partner reassures you or shows how much they care. You’ll never be able to truly relax in any relationship. This is because you allow the relationship itself to define you and become your actual source of happiness. 

If the relationship does end, there goes all of your happiness…no wonder you’re constantly terrified by the idea of it ending.
That’s a lot of pressure for one relationship and one person.

What Happens?

When you’re terrified of losing your partner, you hold on to them tighter…and tighter…in an effort to bring them closer. But this behavior almost always ends up pushing them away because of how suffocating and smothering it feels.

When you’re constantly seeking assurance and validation from your partner, you’re telling them you’d never be okay if they left. You’re also telling them that your entire well being depends on them. This is way too much responsibility to put on your partner, and eventually your insecurities will overwhelm them and make them want to run.

You need to stop expecting your partner to manage your emotions when you’re unable to do it yourself.
Truly, you’re looking for a parent, not a partner. 

Having to carry the emotional load and be responsible for the well being of someone else is an unfair expectation. You need to learn to carry it for yourself. 

You’re In Control of Your Insecurities…Not The Other Way Around.

Only you control your happiness, no one else.
You can have the relationship of your dreams, it starts with you.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who struggled with insecurities? Or have you struggled with them yourself? Tell me about it in the comments!

If you’re struggling to work through your insecurities on your own, I’d love to help support you – find me here!

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